Experiencing A Lack Of Motivation
By Jorge Antonio Vallejos
I’m sitting at a long wooden table at my local library. My laptop is at 32% power. My buddy is sitting next to me doing schoolwork. DJ Tiesto’s Adagio For Strings is pumping in my earphones. And exhaustion is creeping in that I’m trying to fight.
It’s more than exhaustion, this feeling of tired in the now, that I’m fighting.
I’ve felt a lack of motivation over the last few months. Possibly since January. It’s hard to pinpoint when it started.
I remember my friend Cindy asking about my drive to run blackcoffeepoet.com a year ago. I would always say, “I love it…I’m pumped…I’m into it.”
People found it hard to believe that I was able to post three times a week, week after week, year after year:
“You produce so much!”
“I’m having trouble keeping up with you!”
“How do you find the time?”
Blackcoffeepoet.com was a two year run that is now in it’s third year and possibly starts a fourth in September.
I committed to one more year, this year, and I will decide if a fourth is coming.
“Black Coffee Poet[.com] isn’t going to last forever,” said Cindy to me on many occasions.
She is right.
Nothing lasts forever.
And like I learned at the sweatllodge “change is the only constant.”
Last week I was able to spend time with my friend Cindy. I stayed at her place for five days. We saw a play, cooked meals, ate out, visited with her friends, and had great talks over tea at night. It was a special time.
On our second last night together I brought up her question about my motivation and I revealed to her that I was having difficulties staying motivated. It felt liberating to say it out loud to someone; someone who is a supporter; someone who is a regular reader; someone who has contributed to the website on two occasions.
“Maybe it’s time to take a break from blackcoffeepoet[.com], a leave of absence, to write your book,” said Cindy.
Cindy and some other friends have been a constant reminder of the book that is in me and my need to sit down and write it. At times I like their support and enthusiasm, and other times I don’t want to hear it.
I’ve got a fear of writing my book. And sometimes I wonder if blackcoffeepoet.com is a place for me to hide from writing it. Other times I feel so motivated and proud of the work I do here. I tell myself that I can do both: write my book and continue my website.
There are some things I have done to take the pressure off of me a bit:
1. I have asked people to write guest reviews and opinion editorials.
2. I have published letters.
3. And I’m thinking of asking a couple of people if they want a regular monthly column.
Blackcoffeepoet.com menas a lot to me. It means a lot to lots of people.
This is not a farewell post. This is not an announcement of a leave of absence. This is my communicating with you, my readers, about what I am going through at the moment.
It’s my thinking out loud and expressing myself on the page.
It’s me letting go of fear.
It’s community in writing.
I always say my writing is my activism. With all the letters I have gotten I have come to realize that my writing is also community building and participation.
I’m not alone in this.
I have Creator, my readers, my friends, my family, my stacks of books, my pens and paper, my laptop that has been with me since the start, and time.